Honest Pick-up Line

The most honest pick-up line I can think of at the moment: “You look like my next lapse in reason and judgment.”

Is it technically accurate? Yep.

Is there almost always a positive payoff of some kind (even when the relationship ends)? Sure.

Sometimes it’s okay to be stupid. In certain areas of life, you pretty much have to be. So enjoy, beloved dumbasses!

Hello, Friend

I’ve noticed that a few females I know have started using “friend” as a way to address me (e.g., “I agree, friend,” “Oh friend, it was awful,” “That’s good stuff, friend”). It strikes me as weird. One reason is because it sounds awkward. If we were performing Shakespeare in the park or reenacting a scene from a Western, I wouldn’t think a thing of it. But it’s not how people talk nowadays and the anachronism just feels odd. I mean, I don’t wear a toga or a duster – not on a daily basis at least, and rarely together as part of the same outfit. Another reason is because they don’t seem to address anyone else that way. So it seems targeted, and the odd choice of words seems to be intentional. My attempts to decipher the message have yielded a variety of results. Here are a few of them:

  • “I don’t want to call you ‘dude’ or ‘buddy’, so ‘friend’ seemed like a reasonable alternative.”
  • “I’m very selective when using the word ‘friend’, and I want you to know I appreciate you.”
  • “I’m calling attention to the current state of our relationship for no particular reason. I might need medication.”
  • “I’m calling attention to the current state of our relationship because I’m in very high sexual demand and it helps me categorize.”
  • “This is my passive-aggressive way of letting you know that you’re never going to have sex with me. I assume everyone wants to have sex with me. Also, I’m a narcissist.”
  • “I’m hoping my awkward references will start a conversation. I’d like to address the current state of our relationship and possibly elevate it, but I don’t quite understand how direct and open communication works. “
  • “My significant other exhibits psychotic levels of jealousy and controlling behaviors, and I say ‘friend’ in an attempt to avoid huge fights. It rarely works, hence my constant mention of them during our conversations.”

Decoding efforts are ongoing.

A Few Thoughts on Orlando

  • It’s yet another case of stochastic terrorism, which is “the use of mass communications to incite random actors to carry out violent or terrorist acts that are statistically predictable but individually unpredictable. In short, remote-control murder by lone wolf.” 1
  • If you think stochastic terrorism is exclusive to Islam, you’re blinded by your own prejudice and aren’t paying attention.
  • If you blame the entirety of Islam for their violent acts yet say things like “he wasn’t a real believer” when the attacker is Christian, then your inconsistency and hypocrisy are duly noted. You should spend time sorting that out for yourself and thinking it through.
  • An attack on one of us is an attack on all of us. As human beings. If anyone can look at Orlando and see an opportunity for personal gain, advancing a political or ideological agenda, or anything other than the senseless and horrific destruction of precious, valuable human lives, then they are just as monstrous as the shooter.
  • Don’t jump to conclusions about anyone or anything in the middle of a shock like this. Mourn it, grieve it, let it affect you as any tragedy like this should.
  • Personalize this. Think your way through it. Don’t be quick to brush it aside because it hurts or it’s uncomfortable. Let it make you wiser. If you see the need to change something about yourself, then change it.
  • If it turns out there’s some sort of ideological machine which is manufacturing horrors like this, then every one of us should grab a hammer and break the machine together.
  • Be reminded of the brevity and frailty of life. That’s part of what makes it such a precious commodity. Don’t let that reminder make you timid or afraid. Instead, let it make you bold and determined to really live while you’re alive.
  1. https://valerietarico.com/2015/11/28/christianist-republicans-systematically-incited-colorado-clinic-assault/

6 Ideas for a Realistic Approach to Relationships

I’ve seen a lot of dating and relationship articles making the Facebook rounds lately. There’s never a short supply of these things, but the ones on the social media circuit tend to be the kind that drive me nuts. They’re too romanticized, too demanding, or too generalized. There are even articles telling religious people who they should and shouldn’t marry. I’ll save you the time and tell you these basically say, “Make sure they believe the same things you do,” which is short-sighted, naive, and arrogant to the point of being useless and stupid. Outside of that, there’s nothing here that you couldn’t find in hundreds of other articles like “make sure they don’t have a cherished collection of machetes and hockey masks”. Continue reading

Random Reflections: Experiences

Experiences teach us a lot about life. Here are a few of my recent experiences which have taught me a thing or two:

  • If you tell your mom that you’re changing a light fixture but then you don’t answer her call later on because you’re in a movie theater, she’s going to assume you’re dead. She’s also going to assume that numerous consecutive follow-up calls will act as a defibrillator.
    • ADDENDUM: Put your phone on vibrate when you’re at the movie theater and remember that it’s okay to not check it every two minutes. Enjoy the damn movie and don’t be a dick.
  • Individual roles in social situations are fairly fluid, but a person’s characteristics tend to favor certain roles more frequently than others. My wit, charm, and conversation skills make me perfectly suited to be the guy that women feel comfortable talking to about how hot they think my friends are.
  • I’ve always heard that beer is an acquired taste. During the Super Bowl this year, I noticed that I had acquired it. I don’t know when the taste-acquiring moment occurred, but I do know that my bar tabs will be cheaper.
  • One night out, a woman in her sixties with a bad hip and a gigantic ass walked up and drunkenly frenched a buddy of mine. When her shocked and appalled friend asked her if she was going to do that to me too, she wrinkled her nose in refusal. I learned a lot about the true state of my self-esteem when I processed that one.