The most honest pick-up line I can think of at the moment: “You look like my next lapse in reason and judgment.”
Is it technically accurate? Yep.
Is there almost always a positive payoff of some kind (even when the relationship ends)? Sure.
Sometimes it’s okay to be stupid. In certain areas of life, you pretty much have to be. So enjoy, beloved dumbasses!
I’ve noticed that a few females I know have started using “friend” as a way to address me (e.g., “I agree, friend,” “Oh friend, it was awful,” “That’s good stuff, friend”). It strikes me as weird. One reason is because it sounds awkward. If we were performing Shakespeare in the park or reenacting a scene from a Western, I wouldn’t think a thing of it. But it’s not how people talk nowadays and the anachronism just feels odd. I mean, I don’t wear a toga or a duster – not on a daily basis at least, and rarely together as part of the same outfit. Another reason is because they don’t seem to address anyone else that way. So it seems targeted, and the odd choice of words seems to be intentional. My attempts to decipher the message have yielded a variety of results. Here are a few of them:
- “I don’t want to call you ‘dude’ or ‘buddy’, so ‘friend’ seemed like a reasonable alternative.”
- “I’m very selective when using the word ‘friend’, and I want you to know I appreciate you.”
- “I’m calling attention to the current state of our relationship for no particular reason. I might need medication.”
- “I’m calling attention to the current state of our relationship because I’m in very high sexual demand and it helps me categorize.”
- “This is my passive-aggressive way of letting you know that you’re never going to have sex with me. I assume everyone wants to have sex with me. Also, I’m a narcissist.”
- “I’m hoping my awkward references will start a conversation. I’d like to address the current state of our relationship and possibly elevate it, but I don’t quite understand how direct and open communication works. “
- “My significant other exhibits psychotic levels of jealousy and controlling behaviors, and I say ‘friend’ in an attempt to avoid huge fights. It rarely works, hence my constant mention of them during our conversations.”
Decoding efforts are ongoing.
I’ve seen a lot of dating and relationship articles making the Facebook rounds lately. There’s never a short supply of these things, but the ones on the social media circuit tend to be the kind that drive me nuts. They’re too romanticized, too demanding, or too generalized. There are even articles telling religious people who they should and shouldn’t marry. I’ll save you the time and tell you these basically say, “Make sure they believe the same things you do,” which is short-sighted, naive, and arrogant to the point of being useless and stupid. Outside of that, there’s nothing here that you couldn’t find in hundreds of other articles like “make sure they don’t have a cherished collection of machetes and hockey masks”. Continue reading
Experiences teach us a lot about life. Here are a few of my recent experiences which have taught me a thing or two:
- If you tell your mom that you’re changing a light fixture but then you don’t answer her call later on because you’re in a movie theater, she’s going to assume you’re dead. She’s also going to assume that numerous consecutive follow-up calls will act as a defibrillator.
- ADDENDUM: Put your phone on vibrate when you’re at the movie theater and remember that it’s okay to not check it every two minutes. Enjoy the damn movie and don’t be a dick.
- Individual roles in social situations are fairly fluid, but a person’s characteristics tend to favor certain roles more frequently than others. My wit, charm, and conversation skills make me perfectly suited to be the guy that women feel comfortable talking to about how hot they think my friends are.
- I’ve always heard that beer is an acquired taste. During the Super Bowl this year, I noticed that I had acquired it. I don’t know when the taste-acquiring moment occurred, but I do know that my bar tabs will be cheaper.
- One night out, a woman in her sixties with a bad hip and a gigantic ass walked up and drunkenly frenched a buddy of mine. When her shocked and appalled friend asked her if she was going to do that to me too, she wrinkled her nose in refusal. I learned a lot about the true state of my self-esteem when I processed that one.