Chinese Connection

I like Chinese food, particularly at buffets. There’s always the possibility of going on an off day when the kung pao tastes like a shredded racquetball, but I’ve generally had more luck with buffets than with à la carte places. Variety has a built-in offset for those off days. If the sesame chicken tastes like semi-sweet chunks of pavement, then General Tso will step up and bail me out. If you go à la carte, there’s no fallback plan. Your Mongolian beef has all the flavor and texture of scorched tree bark? Hope you like rice, buddy.

Where they get me is with the fortune cookie at the end of the meal. I enjoy reading whatever is written on my fortune and pretending there’s some significance to it for a fleeting moment. However, the past couple of fortunes I’ve gotten have been complete bullshit even by fortune cookie standards. My most recent one read, “If you go fishing, your catch will be plentiful.” I suppose I could get all figurative with that and interpret it to mean success in any sort of endeavor, but that’s a stretch. It specifically said fishing, but I have no plans to go fishing in the foreseeable future. So it’s worse than irrelevant; it’s like there’s another line to the fortune which reads, “If you’re not going fishing, oh well. Suck on that, loser.”

The fortune before that was hands down the dumbest one I’ve ever gotten. It read, “The weather outside is wonderful.” Of course I read this fortune right before I walked through the just-above-freezing air and drizzling rain to my car. And to make matters worse, the fortune had a smiley face at the end of it. Not only was it a lying bastard, but it was a lying bastard with an emoji on it. I’m starting to think they have a separate box of fortune cookies from the Half-Assed Cookie Company and that’s the box they get mine from.

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