I don’t trust it. I’m expecting a polar vortex attack by the end of the week.
I like Chinese food, particularly at buffets. There’s always the possibility of going on an off day when the kung pao tastes like a shredded racquetball, but I’ve generally had more luck with buffets than with à la carte places. Variety has a built-in offset for those off days. If the sesame chicken tastes like semi-sweet chunks of pavement, then General Tso will step up and bail me out. If you go à la carte, there’s no fallback plan. Your Mongolian beef has all the flavor and texture of scorched tree bark? Hope you like rice, buddy.
Where they get me is with the fortune cookie at the end of the meal. I enjoy reading whatever is written on my fortune and pretending there’s some significance to it for a fleeting moment. However, the past couple of fortunes I’ve gotten have been complete bullshit even by fortune cookie standards. My most recent one read, “If you go fishing, your catch will be plentiful.” I suppose I could get all figurative with that and interpret it to mean success in any sort of endeavor, but that’s a stretch. It specifically said fishing, but I have no plans to go fishing in the foreseeable future. So it’s worse than irrelevant; it’s like there’s another line to the fortune which reads, “If you’re not going fishing, oh well. Suck on that, loser.”
The fortune before that was hands down the dumbest one I’ve ever gotten. It read, “The weather outside is wonderful.” Of course I read this fortune right before I walked through the just-above-freezing air and drizzling rain to my car. And to make matters worse, the fortune had a smiley face at the end of it. Not only was it a lying bastard, but it was a lying bastard with an emoji on it. I’m starting to think they have a separate box of fortune cookies from the Half-Assed Cookie Company and that’s the box they get mine from.
Experiences teach us a lot about life. Here are a few of my recent experiences which have taught me a thing or two:
- If you tell your mom that you’re changing a light fixture but then you don’t answer her call later on because you’re in a movie theater, she’s going to assume you’re dead. She’s also going to assume that numerous consecutive follow-up calls will act as a defibrillator.
- ADDENDUM: Put your phone on vibrate when you’re at the movie theater and remember that it’s okay to not check it every two minutes. Enjoy the damn movie and don’t be a dick.
- Individual roles in social situations are fairly fluid, but a person’s characteristics tend to favor certain roles more frequently than others. My wit, charm, and conversation skills make me perfectly suited to be the guy that women feel comfortable talking to about how hot they think my friends are.
- I’ve always heard that beer is an acquired taste. During the Super Bowl this year, I noticed that I had acquired it. I don’t know when the taste-acquiring moment occurred, but I do know that my bar tabs will be cheaper.
- One night out, a woman in her sixties with a bad hip and a gigantic ass walked up and drunkenly frenched a buddy of mine. When her shocked and appalled friend asked her if she was going to do that to me too, she wrinkled her nose in refusal. I learned a lot about the true state of my self-esteem when I processed that one.
Love this one.
- I’ve never understood what’s actually dramatic about the “drama” people complain about having in their lives. You’re spending too much time and energy on people who are assholes. Stop doing that. It’s not a complicated plot.
- Facebook stalking essentially means looking at someone’s profile and viewing the information they’re letting you look at anyway.
- The aforementioned drama people also tend to complain about having Facebook stalkers. I’m not sure whether they get that notion from the mistaken assumption that they’re interesting or a misunderstanding of what privacy settings are.
- People have told me that they know who is Facebook stalking them, and they found out by Facebook stalking that person. This usually leads to a vague, passive-aggressive post designed to make people angry and start drama, followed by complaints about all the drama. It’s like being in the studio audience at a Jerry Springer show.
- Aspire to be Facebook stalked by smarter, classier people.