The Night Before Christmas, 2015 Edition: A Christmas Story For Adults

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house

I couldn’t find batteries for my wireless mouse.

The children watched YouTube while tucked in their beds

On their phones with earbuds stuck in their heads.

I sat on the couch after grabbing some snacks

And turned on the Xbox to game and relax.

When outside the window, I heard such a sound

I thought a big tree limb just fell to the ground.

I drew back the curtain and looked through the glass.

The surprise nearly made me fall back on my ass.

I rubbed my eyes and looked. There they were, plain as day.

Eight reindeer hitched to a lighted red sleigh.

As I stared in amazement, they vanished in a blink.

I thought surely I hadn’t had THAT much to drink.

Then a sound through the ceiling, but not reindeer hoof.

Heavy, measured footsteps from up on the roof.

I put down my controller and rose to my feet,

Thinking I could get a better look from the street.

A bright, sparkling flash beside my Christmas tree

Scared the absolute living shit out of me.

I flailed my arms wildly for a moment or two,

Then assumed a fight stance like I’d seen on Kung Fu.

As the flash faded, I was struck with awe,

Trying to wrap my mind ‘round what I saw.

His rosy-cheeked smile was jolly and bright.

His eyes sparkled merrily, beard thick and white.

When he saw me, he laughed and his whole belly shook.

I realized then just how silly I looked.

I thought I’d see snow in the desert in June

Before I’d see Saint Nick in my living room.

He was just like the stories and songs from my youth.

Only now he was HERE! I had visual proof!

He said, though he loved all the world’s girls and boys,

It was tiring delivering all of those toys.

I asked him to sit down and prop up his feet

While I brought him some milk and cookies to eat.

I returned with the food, sat it down, and then said

“Or perhaps you’d prefer a veggie plate instead.”

He chuckled and smirked, then answered, “oh please,

You live off of pizza, chorizo, and cheese.

But how ‘bout a treat that you’ll enjoy too?

Check out what Ol’ Nicholas here can do.”

He held his hands over the plate and glass just so,

His fingers alight with a magical glow.

Then, from the milk and cookies, what should appear

But a stack of porn mags and a big case of beer!

This stash was primo! (The models, I mean)

Hands down the most beautiful I’d ever seen.

We shotgunned a beer, chugged one or two more,

He grabbed a controller, said “dibs on high score!”

We did some car racing and, man alive,

For a guy with a flying sled, this cat could drive!

After a few whiskey shots, he said, “Come here,

I want you to meet all of my trusty deer.”

Quick as a blink, we were up in his sleigh.

I gazed in amazement and heard Saint Nick say

That each individual magical pet

Was named for an exotic dancer he’d met.

“That’s Candi, that’s Toni, each spelled with an ‘i’,

And that one is Cynnamon spelled with a ‘y’,

There’s Tagan and Brittany, there’s Raven and Brooke,

And Ashley’s the one with that sly sideways look.”

We laughed and we talked as the evening wore on,

Until the last beer in the whole case was gone.

The high clouds had cleared and the winter moon rose.

I stretched and relaxed as my eyes slowly closed.

I woke to the sound of the kids calling me

To come open presents from under the tree.

Was last night a dream? As I rubbed my eyes,

The pinch of a slight hangover said otherwise.

I sat up and saw on my table, a note.

Old parchment, and in shiny red ink was wrote,

“Had a fantastic time. Great party, slick.

Let’s do it again next year.” Signed, “Your Boy Nick”

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