Bumper Stickers You’ll Never See

This is why they don’t let me make bumper stickers. Or talk to people.

  • God’s last name isn’t Dammit. It’s O’Malley. And God’s first name isn’t God. It’s Phineas.
  • I enjoy the simple things in life, like being so horribly abusive and cruel that my girlfriend is convinced she’ll never do any better.
  • My child is an honor student. And I’m being an ass about it.
  • The positive qualities that I used to pride myself on are the ones I’m beginning to wish I didn’t have.
  • Save the plants and animals. Eat human souls.
  • How do I get in touch with the hotties on People Of Walmart?
  • In some way, I regret every nice thing I’ve ever done.
  • Ask me about my ability to quote Larry the Cable Guy.
  • My other car has been impounded as evidence pending my upcoming trial.
  • The next time you feel really great about yourself, don’t.
  • Honking your horn is like asking me to cuss at you and to drive like an even bigger ass.

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