Greeting Cards for Pessimists

As I waited for the Walgreens pharmacy to refill my prescription for those little pills that keep me from killing people, I took a stroll down the greeting card aisle. It seems there is a card for almost any occasion. From “happy birthday” to “men suck” to “congratulations on testing negative for herpes, Grandma”. But I really took note of the “thinking of you” cards. They all sound too pleasant or too saccharine.

The people who really need those “thinking of you” cards are those people who would probably least appreciate them. People who are fairly miserable the majority of the time and experience the constant cognitive dissonance associated with desiring human contact while despising most humans. I’m starting a greeting card line for them. So when you want to let that special pessimist in your life know that you’re thinking about them enough to make them look at a piece of mail and wonder aloud “it’s not a bill, so what the hell is this about”, send them one of these babies:

  • “I would tell you that things will get better, but neither of us is stupid enough to believe that.”
  • “I noticed that my name isn’t listed on your website, ThesePeopleCanGoFuckThemselves.com. I love you too.”
  • “Things could be worse. And since you’re young and healthy, they probably will be soon.”
  • “I wrote down all the nice things I wanted to tell you, then read them backwards out loud while I drowned a cat. I knew that would mean more to you than actually hearing them.”
  • “I think about you and wonder ‘why is he so sad?’ Then I look in the mirror and say to myself, ‘oh yeah, that’s why.’ “
  • “The clouds will pass and the sky will clear into a beautiful blue. Then a bolt of lightning will strike someone in the nuts. And that someone will be you.”
  • “I saw someone who pissed you off today, so I took my footlong sub sandwich and smacked the hell out of them with it. You’re welcome.”
  • “I stopped praying for you. It just reminds God that he hasn’t killed you yet and makes him want to mess with you some more.”

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