The “Mister Ed” Theme Song Confuses Me

It’s almost ingrained into the public consciousness that, when you see a horse, you sing the “Mister Ed” theme song (in your head if not out loud). It may even be triggered by the mention of the word “horse”. Someone says, “Aah what a bunch of horse crap!!” and you find yourself singing or humming that familiar tune. At least I hope it’s the mention of the word “horse” that triggers the song in that instance. If the thought of horse crap makes you sing, punch yourself in the face. Really hard. Then have a few dozen other people punch you in the face.

I actually went and read the lyrics to the “Mister Ed” theme song. Like most modern rap songs, the whole point of the lyrics was to rhyme. Making sense AND rhyming is too much to ask. So let’s take a look-see.

“A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed.”

The first line need not have ever been said. By anyone. Ever. “A horse is a horse” isn’t exactly helpful information. But I suppose it fits the rhythm and rhyme scheme better than saying something like ”A horse is a large, four-legged mammal that looks nothing like a penguin.”

And Mister Ed is the only horse that any human being can talk to? If that were so, I could completely understand his theoretical fame. But the fact is that any person can actually talk to any horse on the planet. The horse will most likely walk away, stare blankly, look away with disinterest, or kick the living hell out of you. But you can certainly talk to the horse if you want. The horse just won’t talk back. Maybe that’s why Mister Ed is so famous. But wait. Let’s skip around the rest of the lyrics and see how much Mister Ed actually talks.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He’ll give you the answer that you’ll endorse.

…But Mister Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one’ll talk ‘til his voice is hoarse.

According to that first part, you can ask Mister Ed a question and he’ll tell you whatever you want to hear. So there’s really no point in asking him anything. You’d be better off getting advice from a Magic 8 Ball. But wait. Mister Ed only talks if he thinks what he’s going to say is important. And if he’s just going to parrot your own thoughts back to you, you’d have to be familiar with him in order for him to give enough of a damn to think your thoughts are important enough to repeat. So that means that only people who already know Mister Ed pretty well are going to get spoken to at all. And when they do, it’s going to be pointless. Any random person who asks him something will be met with the same reactions they could get from any other horse. So Mister Ed is “famous” for no reason whatsoever. Like the vacuous morons on Jersey Shore.

But wait. Mister Ed won’t say anything unless he thinks it’s important, but the last line suggests that you can’t shut him up. So he thinks that every thought he has is pivotal for the continuation of human civilization. Apparently, Mister Ed thinks of himself as some sort of equine Aristotle dropping knowledge on anyone within earshot. So, contradictory to being famous for acting like every other horse on the planet, now we’re told that Mister Ed is famous for talking constantly about whatever crosses his mind. That would be impressive and fame-worthy for about five minutes. About the equivalent of whatever YouTube video the Today Show mentioned this morning. So the prospect of a talking horse is as impressive as whatever crap Daniel Tosh decides to riff on. Not exactly Academy Award material.

The theme song is exactly that: a song which introduces a theme. And according to the theme song itself, Mister Ed is an egotistical asshole whose only “special talent” is dubious at best and irritating after a brief time anyway. So don’t give this horse his own TV show. Shoot him in his stupid head & turn the son of a bitch into a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

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