How To Tell If You’re Suddenly Me

With all of the crazy scientific and biological research that we hear about (and the even crazier stuff that we don’t), it’s just a matter of time before somebody develops a way to transfer our minds into other people’s bodies. I would be well on my way in my own mind transfer experiments if shipping companies weren’t such pansies about delivering yellow cake uranium to my house. And in conducting those experiments, as I have always done with my other scientific endeavors, I would give sufficient warning to anyone who might be affected by them. If you receive an email from me that contains a phrase like “blast radius”, “laser targeting system”, or “get the hell out of town and don’t come any further east than Utah for at least a week”, do what it says. The fact that I have no regard for my own safety doesn’t mean I have no regard for yours.

Other research outfits aren’t as considerate as I am. So it’s vital that you be prepared for the unexpected. In case you find your mind jacked into someone else’s body, and there are no mirrors around anywhere, it’s important to figure out who you’re supposed to be. You could be anybody, particularly anybody you know. Here are a few clues that you have the pleasurable misfortune of Quantum Leaping into me. (Yes, each of these has actually happened to me.)

  • If you break your right foot, then tweak your left ankle, and have to resort to crawling around your apartment.
  • If you follow up your love of being underwater with a scuba diving certification, then find that you have a contact allergy to neoprene.
  • If you perform a proper stop at a red light, then get pulled over by the police for almost running it.
  • If you bite your tongue to keep from cussing people out throughout the day, then get rewarded for your restraint by smelling something electrical burning and seeing smoke coming out of your water heater.
  • If you perform stretching exercises in front of a room full of people, then find that your button fly isn’t buttoned.
  • If the “Service Engine” light in your car comes on as you’re sitting in line at the emissions testing center.
  • If you’re asked what you would like to eat for dinner on your birthday, then are told to pick something else because your sister doesn’t like your choice.
  • If you walk two blocks to your office building, have several meetings that morning, then find out at lunch that your shirt is inside-out.

If you suspect that your mind may have been transferred into me, wear as much protective gear as you can find and hide in a corner away from other people until things return to normal for you. In the meantime, hopefully a chuckle or two at my expense will help you deal with whatever you have going on that is infinitely worse than my stupid shit

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